Clearing clutter

The pit of the stomach is the radar for all things going wrong with the mind. My stomach is all rolls and twists.

It started yesterday, when I came home from splashing in puddles with Jenwa and saw pictures posted online of friends at a party....one I hadn't been invited to. Now, I know that the girl whose birthday it was and I have not been close in quite a long time, and I take no offense from the non invite. It was seeing pictures of my ex and all my friends having a great time, and wondering how little they must think of me. I know that sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Looking through the pictures gave me this twisting feeling in my gut, and through it, I realize I do miss these people.

But memories are funny things.

I'm not sure at all that these people are the same people I hung out with for years. I'm certainly not the girl they knew. I miss something that no longer exists which is both calming and frustrating. We will never regain exactly what was. But we could meet again, newly get to know each other from the very beginning, not involving things of the past into current conversations and daily lives. Memories are a reminder of the past, but not a guideline for the future. Every person can and does change.

But people tend to cling to memories and at times this can create static in life. I have done this on more than one occasion. I wanted so badly to regain something lost. But the attempt has more than once destroyed a bond between myself and someone else. Two times was enough. I view my memories, and re view them often. But only for enjoyment, not to prove one way or another how things should be. I've let go of those I've lost, and in the case of this party, I need to let go of the twisting feeling in my gut. I still have the opportunity with these people to meet them and learn who they are in the present. That opportunity will not last forever, but it is here right now.

I feel like I'm rambling to the point where the words only make sense to me. I needed to hash this idea out, so I can think about other things now. Things that are not so self involved.