Thoughts of Time and Space

I'd say I was beginning anew, but because of how I believe in time, that phrase would be as empty as a drum.

Everything exists at once. We experience time in a linear fashion, which is why it is so easy to get confused. Its easy to live now and only experience what is now. But there is a gravity to what is to come, and what has already been.

Every experience we have is valid and meaningful and necessary. If you are angry with someone once, it does not mean it was always so. It's something I was explaining to Andrea yesterday. Every good experience you have with a person is always with you, and is not tainted by what may have happened later on. Every good experience stays with you. In that moment, you were happy, loved and so forth. Following this thought, every bad experience stays with you. And is necessary.

I believe in free will but I also believe everything has already happened. We cannot foresee what will come because in order to live our lives by free will we need to live by our own wits. Often I wonder whether we choose to ignore what we could in fact foresee. For example, we do have conjecture, but often choose a path that we could logically conjecture leading to an undesirable situation. Is it because subconsciously we need that undesirable situation? Or do we too often let our "in the moment" attitudes drive our lives?

I ponder these things from time to time.

When I miss people I was close to once, I remind myself that it is not who they are now that I miss, but who they were then and it is who I was then that meshed so well with them. We are all on our own paths, and sometimes the ties that bound us are loosened. Never entirely let go as we always have memories and possibilities. But if I were to become close to someone again, it would be like meeting them anew.

Then there are people who have been in my life I regard as soul mates (not in the conventional sense of the word). I don't have a word adequate to describe them. They are people I feel that in any lifetime I would have met up with and loved. That we may have been in different roles in each lifetime and still had a profound effect on one another. We may have met up at different times in life, and may have experienced conflict several times. But we are at heart still bound to each other in one way or another.

I feel that the person I was as a child and youth was searching for the things that would lead me to where I am now. I wanted to have diverse interests even when I didn't. So I let curiosity lead my way. But I am not who I was and I will not be who I am now. But each of these incarnations will always exist. In my memory and in others.


In a few weeks I am officially moving in with James. This could be seen as something new. It'll definitely be a change in a way. My conjecture on this has been that it will be good, at least for the first while. Otherwise this would not have been our course of action.

I am very excited for this step, and nervous as well. This is my first time living with someone. It is not James' first time. But I don't resent that. They had wonderful times together and experienced many good things and bad things they needed, and I was experiencing what I needed to.

It is amazing to me how much I feel like myself. How well I know what I like and dislike, and how little of that is influenced by James or any of my close friends and family. I am very content, yet still thirsty for knowledge and experience. Even though my "self" is completely different than years gone by, I recognize and love everything about it. Its a wonderful feeling, and very hard to explain. It makes me feel giddy.

Learning to appreciate now while awaiting the future and immortalizing the past has been a difficult road. But I am content with how I do that now. When that changes, another inner journey will be called for.

Over-philosophically Kae today,
Cheers