People or Delusions

I recently came into a piece of knowledge that shook my world gently and has left me pondering.

The piece of knowledge was this: two years into my three year first relationship, my partner went out with our friends on a night when I had to stay in to study for midterms, got drunk, and made out with another girl.

I've met this girl. She's nice enough, a little promiscuous but I don't find that a bad thing. It was his choice whether to make out with her or not.

No one told me. These were my friends, my lover and not a single person thought I should know. Receiving this knowledge was like I was standing in the room at touch the universe in the basement of the Museum of Man and Nature and shifted ever so slightly to the side so that the kaleidoscope of reflections changed colours and showed me something new, something I had not noticed before.

It certainly changes my feelings on when him and I were over, and I did the same. I told him. I let him know immediately, and it destroyed the frail bonds of our love, and beat relentlessly on our strong friendship.

I was poring over this situation to Jenwa and Lexy, when Lexy said something terribly profound: "Do you think we date people, or just delusions". It has stuck in my head. Since this new knowledge, my former partner has come into a new focus. I saw him before, I truly did. But now I see other things. I see what others have seen when they described him to me. Emotionally, sexually, mentally: things began to lose their elusive quality from that time, and finally make sense in a way they never had before.

Does any of this amount to anything? Not really. We stayed together another year and some after that indiscretion of his. We had fun times and bad times and I loved him and enjoyed myself. Had I known, I absolutely would have left him.

There is no purpose in being angry about the past. But it certainly makes me re-examine the present.

We see what we want to see in our partners. Couples seem to mold together, in perfect harmony, when really it is the illusions that fit so well.

I crave reality. I want to know my partner: perversions, thoughts, actions and all.

Is that too much to ask...am I being naive again, only in a reinvented sense?

I would like to give assurances that I know my current partner inside out. But I don`t. I hope to learn what I can. As in any situation