I've caught some sort of midwinter itch. It makes me ambitious, want to take on more, challenge myself in some way. Perhaps I'll apply for that casual position at the women's health centre on graham. My skills at work could use some building, but at the point I'm at they'd probably choose other people to train further first. ... Or maybe I simply need some stimulation of the mind. A class at university...literature maybe.
So hard to make up my mind.
So much time and so indecisive in its use.
I wish I still wrote, but I don't feel inspired the way I used to. Watching James write is refreshing, but at the same time it brings a twinge of envy that he can bring all these ideas to life on paper while my mind sits, stale as month old bread. It's only a matter of time before mold turns it rancid.
I've stopped worrying about accomplishing set goals of life in predetermined time frames. But now and then I wonder where I'll be in five years. Mostly I just want to use my time well.
That brings me back to the beginning. I have an itch, and it needs scratching.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Surprised
At how easily one can make peace with another one that we have had arguments with.................................... it was very easy. I missed her so much. Is that bad? Or wrong? I don't know. I really don't. It wasn't the first hug, but the second that meant the most..... she understood what I was saying about my work and the certain job quirks. Her hug almost made me cry.
Friday, January 14, 2011
If sex is a weapon...
I just can't seem to keep my calm temperment today. There is no rhyme or reason but something is brewing under the surface and it's only a matter of time before
SMASH! BOOM! POW!
SMASH! BOOM! POW!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I need to get this rant off my chest
I feel like a rant storm is cooking up just under the surface of my skin. It's probably best to get it out before I go to work.
The last night at work I had (Sunday night) was a tough one. I received a threat of a lawsuit from a patient's partner. That I managed to handle well enough (told the guy he needed to smarten up, start putting his partner and baby first and to stop threatening the nurses). It was actually a big moment in my life, I'd never told someone off like that before. I was so shaky after, but I saw out the delivery and he apologized after, and thanked me. Viva la birth.
The part that's been bothering me is that one of my co-workers was in a real bitch of a mood. I'd avoided her pretty effectively, until she went to go empty the laundry in the room I'd just had the delivery in. Normally I don't overpack the laundry, but this one time the woman was terrified of blood, so I did it as a temporary fix while I went to go chart about the lawsuit incident. She came out to the desk and snapped at me, not only in front of everyone but quite rudely. I didn't know what to say, other than that I wasn't done in the room (as a point of reference, earlier I had put a different patient's chart aside, asking that it not be gutted yet since I wasn't done with it: she gutted it, and I didn't say a word, just went around searching for the stuff I needed).
So I went and dealt with that laundry stuff. Later in the night I attempted to take some of her workload: I got epidural papers ready for myself etc etc. But that still wasn't enough. I had made popcorn earlier for everyone. I find it helps to have a snack at 3am for everyone to perk up a little bit and make it over that hump. And popcorn is snack-y and healthy. Well apparently when my break was over and I was no where around, someone finished the popcorn. But because I had made it it was MY responsibility. I could hear her bitching about how "that girl's really on my bad list tonight"
Fuck women are catty. Working in an environment with mostly women is a shock to my system. Most of my friends are men, and the few women I am close with have proven themselves not ruled by hormones.
Anyway, when I expressed my discontent to one of my co-workers, they said "she's having a bad night I think" and I said "that gives no reason for her to take it out on me like this". Apparently it had been her birthday in the evening and no one had remembered, or bought a card or brought food.
Well guess what? BOO FUCKING HOO. Only one person brought anything for my birthday, and I was pleasantly surprised. I don't EXPECT my birthday to be made a big deal of. We're at work, not some perpetual party. And if she didn't tell anyone ahead of time, how are we to know that it was her birthday? I didn't receive a card, or the usual potluck dinner we do for most birthdays.
Well I got home monday morning, had my glass of wine and settled into bed with cartoons when my phone rang. Work. I ignored it. The voicemail message said "Kristen apparently you're working with us wednesday night, and everyone forgot ____'s birthday last night so we're going to do a potluck, so if you could bring something that would be great" I could have screamed, but didn't want to wake James.
So now if I don't bring something I'M the bitch. Well I'll probably eat the food so I'm bringing stuff to make smoothies. It's minimal effort. And behind the smoothie is a large fuck you to this woman. The worst part is normally we get along great. I know she's a hard worker and most of the time very nice. And yes, everyone is allowed a bad day. There was just no reason to take it out on other people. Keep your bad day to yourself, or talk about it.
And now I have to get ready to head in.
The last night at work I had (Sunday night) was a tough one. I received a threat of a lawsuit from a patient's partner. That I managed to handle well enough (told the guy he needed to smarten up, start putting his partner and baby first and to stop threatening the nurses). It was actually a big moment in my life, I'd never told someone off like that before. I was so shaky after, but I saw out the delivery and he apologized after, and thanked me. Viva la birth.
The part that's been bothering me is that one of my co-workers was in a real bitch of a mood. I'd avoided her pretty effectively, until she went to go empty the laundry in the room I'd just had the delivery in. Normally I don't overpack the laundry, but this one time the woman was terrified of blood, so I did it as a temporary fix while I went to go chart about the lawsuit incident. She came out to the desk and snapped at me, not only in front of everyone but quite rudely. I didn't know what to say, other than that I wasn't done in the room (as a point of reference, earlier I had put a different patient's chart aside, asking that it not be gutted yet since I wasn't done with it: she gutted it, and I didn't say a word, just went around searching for the stuff I needed).
So I went and dealt with that laundry stuff. Later in the night I attempted to take some of her workload: I got epidural papers ready for myself etc etc. But that still wasn't enough. I had made popcorn earlier for everyone. I find it helps to have a snack at 3am for everyone to perk up a little bit and make it over that hump. And popcorn is snack-y and healthy. Well apparently when my break was over and I was no where around, someone finished the popcorn. But because I had made it it was MY responsibility. I could hear her bitching about how "that girl's really on my bad list tonight"
Fuck women are catty. Working in an environment with mostly women is a shock to my system. Most of my friends are men, and the few women I am close with have proven themselves not ruled by hormones.
Anyway, when I expressed my discontent to one of my co-workers, they said "she's having a bad night I think" and I said "that gives no reason for her to take it out on me like this". Apparently it had been her birthday in the evening and no one had remembered, or bought a card or brought food.
Well guess what? BOO FUCKING HOO. Only one person brought anything for my birthday, and I was pleasantly surprised. I don't EXPECT my birthday to be made a big deal of. We're at work, not some perpetual party. And if she didn't tell anyone ahead of time, how are we to know that it was her birthday? I didn't receive a card, or the usual potluck dinner we do for most birthdays.
Well I got home monday morning, had my glass of wine and settled into bed with cartoons when my phone rang. Work. I ignored it. The voicemail message said "Kristen apparently you're working with us wednesday night, and everyone forgot ____'s birthday last night so we're going to do a potluck, so if you could bring something that would be great" I could have screamed, but didn't want to wake James.
So now if I don't bring something I'M the bitch. Well I'll probably eat the food so I'm bringing stuff to make smoothies. It's minimal effort. And behind the smoothie is a large fuck you to this woman. The worst part is normally we get along great. I know she's a hard worker and most of the time very nice. And yes, everyone is allowed a bad day. There was just no reason to take it out on other people. Keep your bad day to yourself, or talk about it.
And now I have to get ready to head in.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
230 AM rambles
At work, quick break. I was reading through my older posts, and was impressed by my articulation at that time. I felt like maybe I should continue to practice articulating my thoughts.
I've been at work exactly one year on January 15, and while I've gotten better and more confident in many things, there is still so much to learn.
Home life is amazing, living with James is great. We work enough different shifts that we get time to do things on our own, but we take care of each other well. I love that man so much, our relationship has evolved to a really gentle pillow feather kind of love, with the odd amount of spice tucked in with it. I still get butterflies in my stomach each and every time he holds my hand, and we have yet to run out of things to say to each other.
I've learned how to make candles in the last year, and how to paint. I plan on polishing those skills this year, as well as progressing my cooking skills. I experiment almost weekly, but I'd like to develop that a little more. The last thing I'd like to improve is my ear for music: specifically to listen to an album and really understand it, really deeply hear it. I too often just have music as a background, and I'd prefer to bring it to the foreground.
I went to Cuba from December 27 to January 3 with my family. It was a great experience, one I'll never forget. I love being in a new country, the exhilaration the sense of exploration and adventure.
Anywho. We just made smoothies here, so I'm going to go enjoy that.
Long live living, if living can be this.
I've been at work exactly one year on January 15, and while I've gotten better and more confident in many things, there is still so much to learn.
Home life is amazing, living with James is great. We work enough different shifts that we get time to do things on our own, but we take care of each other well. I love that man so much, our relationship has evolved to a really gentle pillow feather kind of love, with the odd amount of spice tucked in with it. I still get butterflies in my stomach each and every time he holds my hand, and we have yet to run out of things to say to each other.
I've learned how to make candles in the last year, and how to paint. I plan on polishing those skills this year, as well as progressing my cooking skills. I experiment almost weekly, but I'd like to develop that a little more. The last thing I'd like to improve is my ear for music: specifically to listen to an album and really understand it, really deeply hear it. I too often just have music as a background, and I'd prefer to bring it to the foreground.
I went to Cuba from December 27 to January 3 with my family. It was a great experience, one I'll never forget. I love being in a new country, the exhilaration the sense of exploration and adventure.
Anywho. We just made smoothies here, so I'm going to go enjoy that.
Long live living, if living can be this.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Summer Cusp
I'm buzzing with the excitement of being on the cusp of summer. The gun hasn't yet gone off for the race, but I've warmed up, stretched and am in position. This summer has a wonderful preview, and every moment I am enjoying. Even the ones at work, in their own way.
The anticipation is palpable and I can't stop grinning. It's a wonderful feeling.
The anticipation is palpable and I can't stop grinning. It's a wonderful feeling.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Clearing clutter
The pit of the stomach is the radar for all things going wrong with the mind. My stomach is all rolls and twists.
It started yesterday, when I came home from splashing in puddles with Jenwa and saw pictures posted online of friends at a party....one I hadn't been invited to. Now, I know that the girl whose birthday it was and I have not been close in quite a long time, and I take no offense from the non invite. It was seeing pictures of my ex and all my friends having a great time, and wondering how little they must think of me. I know that sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Looking through the pictures gave me this twisting feeling in my gut, and through it, I realize I do miss these people.
But memories are funny things.
I'm not sure at all that these people are the same people I hung out with for years. I'm certainly not the girl they knew. I miss something that no longer exists which is both calming and frustrating. We will never regain exactly what was. But we could meet again, newly get to know each other from the very beginning, not involving things of the past into current conversations and daily lives. Memories are a reminder of the past, but not a guideline for the future. Every person can and does change.
But people tend to cling to memories and at times this can create static in life. I have done this on more than one occasion. I wanted so badly to regain something lost. But the attempt has more than once destroyed a bond between myself and someone else. Two times was enough. I view my memories, and re view them often. But only for enjoyment, not to prove one way or another how things should be. I've let go of those I've lost, and in the case of this party, I need to let go of the twisting feeling in my gut. I still have the opportunity with these people to meet them and learn who they are in the present. That opportunity will not last forever, but it is here right now.
I feel like I'm rambling to the point where the words only make sense to me. I needed to hash this idea out, so I can think about other things now. Things that are not so self involved.
It started yesterday, when I came home from splashing in puddles with Jenwa and saw pictures posted online of friends at a party....one I hadn't been invited to. Now, I know that the girl whose birthday it was and I have not been close in quite a long time, and I take no offense from the non invite. It was seeing pictures of my ex and all my friends having a great time, and wondering how little they must think of me. I know that sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Looking through the pictures gave me this twisting feeling in my gut, and through it, I realize I do miss these people.
But memories are funny things.
I'm not sure at all that these people are the same people I hung out with for years. I'm certainly not the girl they knew. I miss something that no longer exists which is both calming and frustrating. We will never regain exactly what was. But we could meet again, newly get to know each other from the very beginning, not involving things of the past into current conversations and daily lives. Memories are a reminder of the past, but not a guideline for the future. Every person can and does change.
But people tend to cling to memories and at times this can create static in life. I have done this on more than one occasion. I wanted so badly to regain something lost. But the attempt has more than once destroyed a bond between myself and someone else. Two times was enough. I view my memories, and re view them often. But only for enjoyment, not to prove one way or another how things should be. I've let go of those I've lost, and in the case of this party, I need to let go of the twisting feeling in my gut. I still have the opportunity with these people to meet them and learn who they are in the present. That opportunity will not last forever, but it is here right now.
I feel like I'm rambling to the point where the words only make sense to me. I needed to hash this idea out, so I can think about other things now. Things that are not so self involved.
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